Why do we often find it difficult to let go of things even when they are not good for us? Dr. Andreas Hagemann answers this question in an interview.
Whether it’s a job, an object, a relationship, or a place of residence: we often hold on to things even though they are not good for us or belong in the past. Our difficulty in letting go of old things and embracing the new is partly due to the “fear of the consequences,” as Dr. Andreas Hagemann, psychiatrist and medical director of the Private Clinic Duisburg, reveals in an interview with the news agency spot on news.
Why Do We Often Find It So Hard to Let Go of Old Habits, Things, Relationships, or Places?
Dr. Andreas Hagemann: Every loss is painful. We all experienced this as children at some point. No wonder that as adults we often have significant problems with letting go.
Not infrequently, fears from childhood or adolescence are a reason why we can’t find a way out of stressful situations or relationships later in life and postpone long-overdue decisions. Feelings of guilt also often play a role, such as in a breakup, which naturally many people find particularly difficult.
The greater the pressure to endure, the greater the chance for change.
People Are Known to Be Creatures of Habit. Does This Also Play a Role in Letting Go?
Hagemann: Yes, it plays a significant role. Out of fear of the new and unknown, but also of potential frustration and emptiness, we often loyally stick to a frustrating job, long-meaningless friendships, or an unhappy relationship—and sometimes despite years of disappointments and hurts. This hesitation often appears in perfectionists who typically want to keep everything under control.
Furthermore, a lack of decisiveness also stems from a certain complacency: Letting go always requires flexibility and a willingness to embrace change.
Why Do Many People Resist Changes in Life?
Hagemann: Primarily, it is the fear of the consequences: we often find it hard to implement changes because we fear that “everything might get even worse.” My tip: Carefully consider what could really happen and remind yourself that every change offers the potential for personal improvement. This willingness to be flexible can also have positive effects in the future: If I allow myself to gain new life experiences, I will have a larger pool of experiences to help me find the “ideal solution” for future decisions.
Do We Need to Learn to Be More Open to New Things?
Hagemann: That would certainly be helpful. A more constructive mindset, such as what a “positive mindset” conveys, is recommended. Through proven mental exercises and behavioral patterns, I can gain more confidence and optimism. Both are excellent prerequisites for better managing difficult decisions and life situations.
Once the decision for a fresh start is made, new perspectives and opportunities quickly open up: outdated things that are not good for us are finally thrown overboard. Constructive challenges and experiences bring more variety, balance, and satisfaction into life. Those who cannot let go often suffer significantly from the unsatisfactory situation. Headaches and stomach pains, as well as anxiety and panic attacks or mood swings, up to depression, are possible symptoms.
Especially in Relationships, Many Find It Hard to Let Go. How Can We Get Better and Faster at Letting Go Here?
Hagemann: It is certainly helpful to make it clear whether my expectations really match reality. Did the partner really meet my ideal expectations? Is the partner really that wonderful in private life? Be honest in your answers and don’t sugarcoat or idealize things.
Breakups are generally difficult and associated with grief—and this should be allowed. Finding closure is often not easy, but it is also not changeable. Because a relationship always consists of two people, and not one person alone regulates the closeness or distance. Only if both persons are interested in a consensus can closeness (re)occur. Accepting the decision to separate can be the solution rather than the problem.
It’s not about blame, but about solutions: how to recognize and regulate differently in the future the difficulties that led to the end of the relationship. Your own expectations and demands on a partnership play a particularly important role here. If they are known and communicated, the other person can adjust to them. The partnership gains in quality and frustrations over unfulfilled wishes and needs are reduced. This also works in existing relationships…
What Are Your Best Tips for Letting Go Better?
Hagemann: Letting go should be well-considered: Please explore first if and how much energy you want to invest in the change and then consciously decide for or against it. Answering relevant questions can help, such as: What are the advantages and disadvantages of changing jobs, but also the advantages and disadvantages of staying where you are? And what will it bring me personally if I take the new job?
Even if it is often difficult, do not fall into activism once you have made a decision, but keep a “cool head”: rash actions are not a good solution. Never put yourself under pressure when making changes, but approach the whole thing deliberately, consciously, and patiently. Equally important: stand by the decision made and prepare for the consequences.
With all innovations, routine should not be completely abandoned. Firm habits can make many things easier and give us a sense of calm and security. Routine also prevents mental overload. My advice: If major changes are on the horizon, don’t rush anything. Carefully consider what you really want and, if necessary, seek advice and support from good friends and family.
