On a sunny beach, a man is sprawled out, wearing just a cap to cover himself. As a woman strolls by, she stops and smirks, “If you were any sort of gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady.” The man grins back and quips, “If you were any sort of a hot lady, the hat would lift by itself!”
The Talking Dog for Sale
In a quiet neighborhood, a man spots a sign that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Curious, he rings the doorbell. The owner points him to the backyard. The man walks in and asks the dog, “Can you talk?”
“Yep!” the dog replies confidently.
“Amazing! What’s your story?” the man asks.
The dog wags his tail and says, “Well, I discovered my talking ability when I was young. I worked as a spy for the CIA because I could blend in and overhear important conversations. Later, I did some undercover work at the airport, and now I’m just enjoying my retirement.”
Stunned, the man turns to the owner and asks, “How much for this dog?”
“Ten dollars,” the owner replies.
“Ten dollars? Why so cheap?” the man asks in disbelief.
“He’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff!” the owner laughs.
The Genie and the Three Wishes
One day, a man finds a magic lamp and gives it a rub. Out pops a genie! “I will grant you three wishes,” says the genie, “but everything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”
The man thinks hard and finally says, “Okay, I wish for a mansion.”
“Granted! But your ex-wife now has two mansions,” the genie replies.
“For my second wish, I want a billion dollars,” the man states.
“Granted. But your ex-wife now has two billion dollars,” the genie says.
With a sly smile, the man thinks for a moment and declares, “For my third wish, I want you to scare me half to death!”
The Duck and the Bartender
A duck waddles into a bar and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender shakes his head. “No, we don’t serve grapes here.”
The duck leaves but comes back the next day. “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, now a bit annoyed, replies, “I told you yesterday, no grapes!”
The duck leaves again but returns the following day. “Got any grapes?”
Frustrated, the bartender yells, “If you ask me for grapes one more time, I’m going to nail your beak to the bar!”
The duck leaves, but the next day it comes back in. “Got any nails?”
“No,” says the bartender, confused.
“Good! Got any grapes?” the duck quips.
The Parrot and the Burglar
One night, a burglar breaks into a house, quietly gathering valuables. Suddenly, he hears a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.” He freezes, looking around but sees nothing. He continues his work, but again the voice warns, “Jesus is watching you.”
Shining his flashlight around, he finally spots a parrot. “Who are you?” he asks.
“I’m Moses,” the parrot replies calmly.
“Moses? What kind of people name a parrot Moses?” the burglar scoffs.
“The same kind that names their Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot retorts.
The Frog and the Loan Officer
A frog hops into a bank and asks for a loan. The loan officer, Ms. Patty Whack, raises an eyebrow and asks, “Do you have any collateral?”
The frog pulls out a tiny porcelain elephant and says, “I have this!”
Confused, Ms. Whack goes to consult the bank manager. “There’s a frog here who wants a loan, and all he has for collateral is this tiny elephant. What should I do?”
The manager looks at the little elephant and chuckles, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan!”
The Man in the Balloon
In a hot air balloon, a man suddenly realizes he’s lost. He spots a woman on the ground and yells, “Can you help me? I promised a friend I’d meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am!”
The woman replies, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering about 30 feet above the ground. You’re at 40 degrees north latitude and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” she replies. “How did you know?”
“Well, everything you said is technically correct, but I still don’t know what to do with that information. The fact is, I’m still lost.”
The woman smiles and says, “You must be in management.”
“I am!” he replies, surprised. “But how did you know?”
“Well,” she explains, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You made a promise but have no idea how to keep it, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in the same situation as before, but now it’s my fault!”
The Doctor’s Orders
A man walks into the doctor’s office, wincing in pain. “Doctor, it hurts when I press my leg, my arm, and my chest. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor examines him closely and says, “Your finger is broken.”
The Lawyer and the Farmer
Driving his brand-new car down a rural road, a lawyer accidentally hits a pig. Worried, he gets out of the car and sees the farmer coming over. “I’m so sorry! I hit your pig!” the lawyer exclaims.
“Don’t worry about it,” the farmer replies. “But you should come to my house; I’m having a big party tonight.”
Intrigued, the lawyer agrees and spends the night eating and drinking until the morning. He asks, “This is the best party ever! But why did you invite me?”
The farmer grins and says, “Oh, I always celebrate when one of my pigs becomes a lawyer!”
The Wishing Well
Two friends are walking when they come across a wishing well. One friend leans in and says, “Wow, I wish I had a million dollars!” Suddenly, a million dollars falls from the sky.
The second friend looks at the well and says, “I wish I had my dream house!” Instantly, a mansion appears.
“This is amazing! Let’s keep wishing!” the first friend says. He leans in and declares, “I wish I had the best car in the world!” A shiny new sports car appears right before them.
Feeling a bit left out, the second friend leans over and wishes, “I wish I had the best wife in the world!”
Suddenly, the first friend’s wife appears before them!
The Boss and the Employee
Finally, an employee walks into his boss’s office and says, “Sir, I need a raise. There are three companies after me.”
The boss raises an eyebrow and asks, “Which companies are those?”
The employee grins and replies, “The electric company, the phone company, and the water company!”